“When you make certain lifestyle choices…”
Lifestyle choice… Choosing to live a certain lifestyle. It’s the choice part… the choosing part that I am beginning to see as highlighted and something that should be really thought about when you’re an addict or alcoholic. There are choices that are made and even little thoughts and voices telling you to stop, just to put the glass, bottle, cup, straw, pipe etc. down. A moment or two when the faint whisper of responsibility blows gently passed your ear of consciousness asking you to just call a cab or a friend if you still have any left and leave your surroundings. There are those moments, but they are all in the f(x) Addiction or the function of addiction.
There was something that I learned while studying mathematics at the Uni… (sounds so cool to say Uni… I saw that on Reddit somewhere). So stupid, but I’m laughing at the thought of me saying Uni in a conversation just waiting to see if someone will laugh at me. So funny. Anyway, there’s something in math where it doesn’t really matter what the formula or problem says.. if it has this f(x) by it… it is in the function of whatever is listed for the value of (x) or close to that. Look, I’m not a mathematician by any means, but choice or choosing implies free will.
Does an alcoholic or an addict have free will? Yes, but only as the function of an addict can. There is always that underlying issue of limited and restrained choice. We battle our choice, because our choice was to get too fucked up, too often, too many times… because we found ourselves at a point where we couldn’t stop.
The choice or act of choosing was made for us, already in our DNA… it just needed a trigger. Is that first drink a choice? Is that first drink free will? Is that first drink a trigger? Where did the desire for that first drink come from? Was the desire a one step process or was there a seed of desire already inside of us as alcoholics that just needed to be watered and fed by commercials, music videos, imbedded into sporting events, live entertainment sponsored by… Maybe that first drink there is some remnants of free will, but like any other drug I’ve tried… I kind of wish that I never flicked that switch in my head to know how good it felt. If you never flick that switch… you’re still an addict, but you haven’t caused that switch to become a trigger.
I like a really good quote. I heard, no read one the other day on FB of all things but it really stuck with me.
“By letting go of what you thought was going to happen in your life, you can enjoy what is actually happening.”- Taylor Negron
I read that on the FB of a comic from LA… Melinda Hill. I really don’t know her but wanted to give her props. She seems really nice, and I might have met her before, but the memories associated with my nights at the Hollywood Comedy Store are really hazy. I remember some stuff, but some details are missing. Triggers are lacking. I’ve thought about that quote a lot in the last couple of weeks. A lot.
Phineas Gage was someone that we learned about in various classes while I was earning my bs in psychology. His case was fascinating for many reasons, but he basically had a steel rod blasted through his skull, but he survived. In psychology we learned that yes, he did survive, but the damage to his brain changed his personality.
That’s fascinating but it’s not why I bring it up now. I bring it up now because he survived a horrible injury, when other people can die after a small injury becomes infected or they get what appears to be a minor injury, but they bleed out internally… you never know what small injury or small event can actually take you the fuck out.
Moments in life can be like that. Huge obstacles can sometimes be easier to deal with than the smallest things. You know how to deal with big issues. Hell, they’ve been played out on television in different sitcom or drama plots or storylines. Sometimes the small things can mean a lot… a lot more than they should. The way something was said, the phrasing…. semantics. Perhaps those small moments get magnified by other variables, but they can sure get infected quickly in another way.
Someone asked me recently if I still enjoy writing. Not always, but I love it when I need it and it’s always there just waiting to be started by a thought or a question that comes to mind. When did having fun doing something become the only reason to partake…? I think that my long absences from it, how I took a long time off, continue to post without a schedule, my inconsistent style, etc. can contribute to that opinion. I don’t always like it.