I’m all about self-improvement… giving up crack, cocaine, pills, cigarettes, alcohol, earning an associate degree, bachelor of science, graduate certificate, and a masters degree, not too bad for an addict / alcoholic… and now I’m just trying to keep that continuous improvement, Toyota-type philosophy of life going in the positive direction.
I’ve been trying to take a break from Facebook and honestly, it’s been more mentally challenging to do so than I would have expected… just to stop that behavior of logging into Facebook and spending time there. I deactivated my account, which seemed like such a strong move at the time… so “well, I’m done with you for a while” but that’s not what happened… I mean I’m writing about Facebook right now, so it’s not as if I’m taking any kind of break. I’m just not on the site currently.
I have a fucking psychology degree from the university of Houston, Go Coogs! (2015) and I did well, studied hard… it doesn’t provide any relief when trying to back up from Facebook at all and to be honest it just makes it worse. I only have a BS in psychology, but I hypothesize that there is more than one Psych professor at some university trying to figure out how to stay off of Facebook in order to give them a break from its world. It’s access to friends, casual conversation, time killers, acceptance, likes, emojis that give you a fucking hug and they also care… the emojis care now… that only adds to the pain and anxiety of separation ha ha.
I tried to stop, I deactivated my account…temporarily, I’ll be back bubble filled in and within a couple of hours I just, by a combination of instinct, learned muscle memory, and working memory, I looked up just as I was finishing up my password and boom. I was on Facebook again. OMG, I was so embarrassed and shocked, WTF? I wasn’t even consciously thinking about it. I wasn’t thinking “oh, I’ll just check it once.” No, I did not want to be on Facebook for a bit. Seriously, I had just deactivated my account earlier that day.
This process actually has repeated itself for the last few days… even this morning I almost signed in… but stopped before I actually breached the entry…I was on the last part of my password… it felt like a win. I have to be honest. Because, I’ve had to deactivate my account several fucking times since I originally tried on the 16th of July. Yes, I’ve actually had to do that. You see, when you deactivate your Facebook account it’s easy to just let bygones be bygones as far as Facebook is considered… just log in and everything in Facebook land will return to normal as if you never left or deactivated it at all. Constanza move.
And I found myself doing just that several times… a day, maybe more, just to curse out my degree and nod my head while going through the same deactivation process again.
I miss Facebook terribly ha ha, the attention, the instant likes, smiley faces… hug emojis… who the fuck doesn’t like that? I’ve also dropped some friends lately on Facebook, because I just don’t have the time or energy to deal with anyone trying to spread divisive hate or someone that is just toxic. That felt good, but Facebook in general was just finding my time more than I wanted it to and like I said I’m still discussing it now.
I like these random blog posts that don’t follow my background, my story, and I guess that at some point I imagine that they will catch up to each other….my background blog, how my alcoholism and addiction began… born with some, found the rest, ha ha nature nurture as they say. I think that I need a master’s degree in psychology in order to say “as we say” when referring to something based in psychology like nature nurture. Ugh, the lowly undergrad of psychology… some are baristas, some go into sales, some… some must just never speak of it again.
I turned 50 the other day, which is just a huge, big number that shouldn’t have anything to do with me. Not me motherfucker… no kids, never married, working in a bunch of bars, clubs, comedy clubs, some sales here and there, doing some event promotion, time just goes by… and missing out on those events, such as going through childbirth with someone, all of those moments that can help define someone’s place in life… moving on to the next Maslow step, just dealing with the stress and the everyday burdens and also pleasures of the family life, which I have only experienced in the aspect of growing up in a family… then just fading off, doing my thing, then you try to figure out that it’s been 25 years since you tuned 25 and wow… those past parties don’t seem as cool anymore… those nights out in Austin, San Diego, Hollywood, and to be honest I’m not sure how much fun they really were at the time, the mind can play tricks with your memory… things can seem better than they were or worse than they ever could be.
How long will I be off of Facebook, probably not long. I think I have a new job starting up soon where I’ll be working a lot with social media advertising, analytics, creating content, etc. so I’m going to have to be back on, but it’s such a strange feeling knowing that it’s really that difficult to go back to life without being able to reach out to friends and see them there at a moment’s notice with likes and emojis that care.